You that I (should) love most…

“I love…” a word that encompasses care, understanding, respect, and many other “desirable” concepts for all of us. A difficult verb, a verb that is addressed. So, if right now, while reading these lines, we conducted a small survey, what result do you think it would yield? I speak from a safe standpoint; nonetheless, let’s try to fill in a word in the blank after the phrase: “I love, care for, and try to understand the needs of”.

If your answer was “my partner” or “my children,” it means you are a partner or parent respectively, with good intentions. A good child if the answer is “my parents.” How many of you answered “myself”?

There is a guideline mentioned during airplane flights regarding mothers accompanying their children. This guideline advises the mother to put on her oxygen mask first before taking care of her child… why? How selfish could those who created this guideline be? The answer is not selfish at all. They based it on a great truth: if the mother does not survive, the child has no hope because there will be no one to ensure their safety. Therefore, in order to provide help, care, and protection to her child, she must first ensure her own safety.

If we applied this rule daily, things would be simpler for us and for those around us, for all those people we interact with daily, whether significant or insignificant. The greatest lie we can tell is “I did everything for you, and you…” The emotion is frustration because we are supposed to have recognized the other’s need and given them all that we deemed necessary, and ultimately… that person wanted something else! I often tell parents, “your child cannot be happy and healthy if you are not happy… if every day you do things you do not want and endure situations – for your children’s sake – you are making a meaningless sacrifice because you are simply teaching your child to sacrifice their happiness, which cannot shape either a healthy or a happy adult.”

We struggle daily to meet roles, understand needs, care for the world around us, and rush to keep up… until the moment comes when the volcano erupts! And the eruption does not necessarily have to be our anger… it could be depression or a psychosomatic reaction. We have spoken many times about the child we hide within ourselves… why do we say “the child” and not “the adult”? Certainly not to emphasize the emotional immaturity we conceal. It is simply a small “trick” to understand that each of us must care for ourselves before anything else… and what ground is more suitable for care than that which hides a child! The truth is we are incapable of offering anything if we do not possess it ourselves, no matter how much we desire it.

There is a “cohabitation” that we tend to overlook, yet… the only person who, no matter what happens, will sleep and wake up with us,

will rejoice and get angry, will cry and laugh, will make us feel guilt or pride, will die if we die, is ourselves…
and this is not a realization to make us more self-centered, it is a truth that we all need to take from the drawer we have hidden it in to be happier and, if you will, more “effective” for the world around us. The need that our self has is the most difficult to discover but also the most vital for our continued existence. When we are thirsty, we drink water; when we want a hug, why should we suppress it? When we are hungry, we ensure we provide food for our bodies; when the need is for someone to support us in a decision or step, why don’t we do it for ourselves? If we don’t like or struggle with who we are, how long can we coexist with something we detest? So if you had to deal with a neglected, sad, and angry child, how would you behave? You would provide them with everything they have been deprived of…

It is not selfishness to understand and care for ourselves; it is safeguarding that we will have what we need to understand and care for “our world.”

Thus, for those of us who fill in the blank of the phrase “I love, care for, and try to understand the needs of” with “myself,” it is as if we have answered all the rest… for the very simple reason that we have the emotional, physical, and mental capacity to manage the care of our children, parents, partners, and friends.